How To Cope With Marital Separation

Reviewed by: Jennifer Plisko, LCSW

There is no type of human relationship that doesn’t go through periods of crisis at a certain point. Marriages make no exception and when problems arise, some couples find a way to overcome difficulties, while others split up. Separation is one of the ways couples use to sort out the difficulties and differences they experienced.

Many individuals and couples turn to professionals seeking advice on how to improve intimacy in their relationship. By the same token, you may seek support during the time you’re separated from your significant other. You may feel insecure and anxious when going through this stage of your relationship. Luckily, there are ways to make a positive change during your separation.

How To Deal With Separation?

Going through a separation is usually very challenging and the fact that it isn’t final, unlike divorce, could make it even more complex to cope with. You could be dealing with a variety of mixed feelings, including anger, loneliness, and uncertainty on the one hand, as well as relief, excitement, and hope on the other.

Regardless of the desired outcome, in order to use and understand your separation as a chance to grow and learn something new about yourself, it may be useful to practice the following tips:

Embrace the fact that you may feel differently

Although you have shared a good deal of interests and experiences, you have to start by trying to appreciate your differences. This is especially important if your partner is going through a relationship burnout or you’re feeling like you’re becoming emotionally detached. Sometimes, a bit of distancing can make you make a better evaluation of your bond and your goals as a couple.

Take a break

You need time to recover, think, and get a better grasp of your situation. You might try to seek distractions that will stop you from thinking about your relationship, or look for a new partner as soon as possible. While the relationship’s “on hold”, it’s probably best to take a step back and allow yourself to see a clearer picture. Then you’ll be able to answer the questions about the nature of your relationship.

Take care of yourself

Ensure that you have enough time to take care of your physical and mental health. This might mean finding time to commit to your hobbies or interests or spending more time with your friends, and family, or exploring your options.

Avoid power struggles

It’s tempting to enter into bickering when you’re feeling neglected. However, this may only add fuel to the fire. It’s best if both parties avoid competition with one another and instead focus on themselves individually. Don’t try winning over the support of your mutual friends and family members, it will make things go easier in your relationship overall. And, if children are involved, dragging them into the power struggle will leave them with complexities that they will take into their relationships as they get older.

Explore your interests

Your interests and hobbies matter. If there was something you liked doing before your marriage or relationship, and you forgot about it, returning to it may be worthwhile. You might be able to take a measure of how much you changed.

Think in a constructive way

Try to stay focused on the solutions and the areas where you can make improvements. Rather than dwell on the bad or idealizing your relationship, it’s advisable to think about what you can do to heal your marriage, fulfill your needs, make a new beginning, or accept the fact that you need to move on in separate directions. This is how you’ll pave the way to positive change.

Learn to be patient

Most significant changes don’t happen overnight. Sometimes, you need to wait them out. While you work on yourself, you can’t control whether your partner will work in the same direction as you. Although you may try to renew your communication, it may be better to practice patience and focus on yourself. This way, you’ll probably learn something about yourself, your wants, and your needs.

Can A Marriage Be Saved After Separation?

For some people, this may sound overly optimistic. You might worry that getting back together might not alleviate the issues if your bond was based on an unhealthy attachment style. However, in many cases, separation can be a very feasible way to salvage a relationship. Reconciliation can become possible under the condition that you and your spouse go through a process that enables you to be accountable for your part and begin to see how you can contribute to repairing the challenges.

In fact, there seems to be some scientific evidence to support the fact that separation can bring a meaningful and positive change in your marriage. Approximately 50 – 60% of separated couples get back together after this break. It’s also noted that separation is harder on the person breaking up, due to the uncertainty that lingers in the decision.

How can you achieve this and how do you know if you’re heading in the right direction? If you’re separating for the right reasons and with clear boundaries, you can gain new insights and make your relationship stronger.

How To Rebuild Your Marriage During A Separation?

Rebuilding your marriage can seem difficult. However, it is possible depending on how much effort you put into your own self-development. If you manage to overcome feelings of anger, prevent playing the blame game, and approach each other with honesty and a newfound appreciation of each other, you may be able to establish a new connection.

Of course, it’s advisable to negotiate your new boundaries with clarity, acknowledge your flaws, limitations, and responsibility, and open up. Once you have everything cleared up, ensure that you work together on the root cause that got you separated in the first place. By maintaining a positive outlook and mutual respect, you could be on the brink of a fresh new start.

What Are The Signs That My Partner Wants To Reconcile?

Whether you’re the one that initiated the separation, or the one that was, in a way, left behind, you might foster a hope that you’ll get back together. Although this is normal, you might be wondering if you are clinging to hope in vain. Fortunately, there are ways to tell if there’s some hope left for your relationship and if there are chances that you’ll get back together.

What Are Some Positive Signs That You Could Reconcile?

You Continued Communicating

If you haven’t severed the ties and continued to communicate, and even improved your communication, this may be a positive sign that you could get back together. Even if you don’t hear from each other on a regular basis, another sign that you may be looking forward to reconciling is that your spouse is following you on social networks.

You Have Recognized & Resolved The Main Issue

You have used your time away from each other to face the main issue and mitigate the problem. For example, you may have better control of your emotions, perhaps you have adopted a more honest and open way to talk to each other, learned to listen to your spouse actively, and have taken responsibility for your actions in the past.

You Have Exchanges About Good Times In Your Marriage

If you have fond recollections of your time together, not just during the honeymoon phase, you’re likely to be back on track. If you make exchanges about these memories in a flirtatious manner, you have good reasons to be optimistic.

You Dealt With Unmet Expectations

You’ve made a clear distinction between the expectations that were realistic and those that couldn’t be met by anyone.

You Miss Each Other

If you stop for a moment and you recognize that you’re thinking of your partner more often than you had in a long time, you’re most likely missing them. If you actively seek their support and this is mutual, you’re probably ready to get back together.

How Do You Rekindle A Relationship After Separation?

Once you get back together after a separation, you could still have a feeling that something is missing, that you don’t entirely trust each other, and that you need some more time. This may all be perfectly fine, as a sign that you need to take things one step at a time.

Work on your intimacy. Both emotional and physical. Try to find new ways to be together and have fun, inside and outside the bedroom. Talk about what you’re feeling, share your fantasies, and experiment a little.
Show curiosity. When you’re in a long-term relationship with your partner, it’s easy to stop being curious about them. You think you know everything there is to know. However, over time, people change and grow, so it’s important to keep up and understand your partner on a deeper level.
Be creative and show effort. It may be easy to get stuck in a rut, doing the same things over and over. If you want to keep the spark alive in your relationship, it’s important to try new things and put some effort into keeping things fresh.
Learn how to defuse conflict with fun. If you have a habit of getting into arguments with your partner, try to find some humor in the situation. This can help diffuse the tension and make it easier to resolve the issue.
Turn your differences into something positive. It’s easy to focus on the ways you and your partner are different. However, if you can learn to accept and even appreciate each other’s differences, it can make your relationship stronger.
Navigate your emotions. After a separation, it’s common to have mixed feelings about your partner. You may still love them while being angry and hurt at the same time. It’s important to work through these emotions if you are wanting to rebuild trust.
Seek professional help. When you feel that you have the opportunity to rebuild your relationship and rekindle your passion, it may be helpful to seek professional assistance and work your way through with a coach.

Where Can I Find Useful Private Couple Retreats For Reconnection After A Separation?

When you’re struggling as a couple to find a common ground and recuperate your marriage, we have a team of relationship advocates that can assist you in a number of ways. You can work on your personal growth in an eye-to-eye context, or take advantage of our couple retreat and PIVOT through the difficult times together.

With our support, you’ll learn how to overcome the ongoing effects of emotional trauma in a constructive way, identify your relationship patterns, how to improve intimacy in your relationship, have a better grasp of your emotions, and find ways to lead a meaningful life. Feel free to contact us today and schedule an appointment with one of our experienced coaches.