Communicating About Sex In A Relationship

Reviewed by: Cindy Finch, LCSW

Sex is one of the most intimate, life-affirming acts that people can share. It has the power to strengthen your bond with your partner and help you grow your relationship. Although many people subscribe to the romanticized notion that partners have to get each other instantly if they’re a good match, this isn’t how things normally go. To have truly enjoyable sex, it’s usually necessary to talk about it outside the bedroom.

Making yourself vulnerable by talking about such intimate topics can be intensely uncomfortable, especially with a new partner. However, you’ll be much more fulfilled if you open up to your partner. So, learn how you can communicate about intimacy in a way that’s comfortable and effective for both. If you worry that your partner may be avoiding intimacy in a relationship, you can also seek the support of our experienced relationship advocates.

Is Talking About Sex Good For A Relationship?

Yes, your relationship can benefit from talking about sex openly and honestly. This is the only way to let your partner know how you truly feel, establish trust, and have more pleasurable sex.

There are multiple ways in which it can help:

Couples who can talk about sex usually have more success opening up about other topics too.
It can help you get to know your partner better as a person.
It lets you know how to give them more pleasure.
It lets you receive more pleasure from them.
It increases the possibility of trying new things together.
It can bring you closer as a couple.

Why Is It Hard to Talk About Sex With Your Partner?

Introducing the topic of sex takes some courage at the start. Since it can have overarching positive effects on your relationship, it’s a good idea to power through the uncomfortableness and do it.

It’s perfectly understandable to feel a bit uneasy about it at the beginning of a relationship. You want to project a certain image of yourself and being this vulnerable can be a little scary. However, if your partner is receptive to it, you’ll see that it doesn’t have to feel awkward at all.

You may also be afraid to have your intimate feelings ridiculed or rebuffed. The fear of rejection is perfectly normal and it’s why some people find themselves in parasocial relationships. Every caring partner will respond to your desire to share with compassion and understanding.

How Do I Get Comfortable Talking About Sex With My Partner?

Getting started is probably the trickiest part. Once you get past your initial hangups, it’ll probably all be smooth sailing. How do you introduce the topic in the first place without being overwhelmed with embarrassment?

Here are some things to try:

Don’t wait too long: The sooner you normalize sex as a topic of conversation, the easier it will be to discuss it in the future. Your goal is to be better understood and to understand your partner better. So, focus on the prize instead of letting fear hold you back.
If you’ve been waiting for a while, cut to the chase: If years go by without touching on the topic of sex, it may be much harder to open up. However, not all is lost. It’s not too late to start the conversation.
Find the right moment: While people may think that it would be a good idea to talk about sex right after you’ve had it, you and your partner may feel too vulnerable. It may be better to start the conversation at a different time. However, it can be very effective to share your fantasies in the heat of the moment, when you’re both in the mood.
Be mindful of their feelings: If you’re disappointed with your partner’s performance in bed, you may be tempted to be completely blunt and start off with criticism. Or, even worse, you may compare them to an ex who you feel was more sexually compatible. However, if you approach the topic in a caring, sensitive way, you’re more likely to get better results.
Have the end goal in mind: You need to approach the issue as a team and keep your eyes on the prize, which is a more fulfilling sex life for the both of you. Let this motivate you and override your fear.

How Do I Talk to My Partner About Being Unhappy With Sex?

Nobody likes hearing that their partner is unhappy about some aspect of their lovemaking. However, there are ways to suggest improvements without being overly harsh.

Here are a few ideas:

Do it from a place of love and understanding: Make it clear that your only intention is to enhance your relationship and establish an even deeper connection with them. Try not to make them feel like they’re being put on the spot or accused.
Keep the conversation positive: Don’t forget to give praise where praise is due. Put as much focus on the things they do right as you do on the areas that need improvement. Sometimes, the best way to push them in the right direction is simply to talk about the things that you really liked.
Share your fantasies: Many people are ashamed of their fantasies that are a perfectly healthy and normal part of human sexuality. While you may think that your fantasies are outlandish and embarrassing, the chances are that many others, your partner included, have similar ones.
Be clear and specific: Beating about the bush or talking in code will only confuse your partner further. Be completely honest and direct.
Hear them out too: Sometimes, people get so caught up in what they have to say that they forget to listen to the other person. Be open to their feedback and responsive to their wishes.

How Can Relationship Coaching Help Me Resolve Relationship Intimacy Problems?

PIVOT can help you establish a more intimate connection with your partner through our couples’ coaching or our customized individual relationship workshops. Apart from helping you achieve more satisfying relationships, our programs can help you grow as a person and gain more confidence in your interactions with others so that you can comfortably say no any time you need to. Give us a call today!