1-855-452-0707The Disorganized Attachment Cycle
If you are in a committed relationship with a partner who has a disorganized attachment style, you may be wondering whether healthy and happy love is even possible. Take heart that everyone is capable of finding greater security in their relationships, and your partner is no exception. Caring enough to be part of the process makes you a strong ally in their corner and provides them with a sense of security and safety in the relationship.
If you are wondering how to deal with disorganized attachment in a partner, PIVOT’s expert relationship coaches can help unravel the origins of this attachment style and map out a clear path to healing. With the support of expert PIVOT coaches, you and your partner can work through attachment insecurities and build a stronger connection and a brighter future.
How to Deal With Disorganized Attachment in Your Partner
Since attachment style affects many aspects of adult life, especially romantic relationships, getting help with an insecure attachment style can be very transformative. If your partner desires change and is willing to do the hard work to achieve more security in the relationship, your support will be especially significant.
While there is abundant information available online about attachment styles, avoid diagnosing or labeling your partner. The complexity of disorganized attachment requires special skills to uncover the origins of childhood trauma and create a pathway to behavioral change. It is best to consult a professional relationship coach who has expertise in identifying the source of relational challenges.
PIVOT offers relationship coaching through a high-impact process that provides each partner with a dedicated coach. The PIVOT process ensures that each partner’s needs are met throughout the journey, honoring that everyone’s perspective will be very different. We will help you learn to deal with your disorganized attachment partner and help your partner grow in their security and independence. Our process empowers each partner to achieve personal and relational freedom.
It’s true that your partner will have to work hard to overcome a disorganized attachment style, but the work is worth it, and there are ways to support them.
How to Support a Partner With a Disorganized Attachment Style |
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Be a refuge through the healing process |
Since your partner likely lacked stability and security in their childhood caregivers, they will benefit greatly from the safe harbor of a supportive partner as they attempt to heal and change their behavior patterns. Your PIVOT coach will support you so that you can show up for your partner. |
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Maintain healthy boundaries |
With the knowledge that a partner with a disorganized attachment style may be emotionally volatile, it is essential to know and maintain your limits as the healing process unfolds. Your PIVOT coach can help you set and maintain boundaries that protect you. |
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Be empathetic |
Through learning about this complex attachment style–its origins, characteristics, and challenges–you can be a more supportive partner. You will also explore your own attachment style with your PIVOT coach and learn how it impacts your relationship. |
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Communicate clearly |
Your PIVOT coach will arm you with a toolbox of actionable strategies to facilitate effective communication as you navigate the path to more secure attachments. |
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Be patient |
It will take considerable time and effort for your partner to overcome decades of dealing with the effects of childhood trauma. Supporting them will require patience, and fortunately, your PIVOT coach will encourage you when the going gets tough. |
Your support will be invaluable as your partner heals their childhood wounds and learns to replace dysfunctional coping mechanisms and survival patterns with sustainable relationship behaviors. Through the PIVOT process, a partner with a disorganized attachment style can gain a stronger self-image and a positive outlook on relationships. Greater attachment security and stronger relational bonds are possible.
Recognizing Disorganized Attachment
Recognizing disorganized attachment in your partner may be challenging; the first clue may be the contradictions in their behavior. With characteristics of both anxious and avoidant attachment styles, people with disorganized attachment styles may display opposite extremes. For instance, they may express love and affection one moment and then seem indifferent or dissatisfied the next. They may also struggle with making decisions about the relationship or avoid discussing the future. If you are frequently troubled by the intensity or unpredictable nature of your partner’s behavior within your relationship, you may be seeing the results of childhood trauma that has led to the development of a disorganized attachment style.
How Does Disorganized Attachment Develop?
Some people with a disorganized attachment style experienced abuse or neglect in their earliest relationships, while others had caretakers who were simply ill-equipped for parenting. Instead of providing a sense of safety and stability, their caretakers became a source of fear and uncertainty. As a result, these children learned to adopt survival patterns from a very young age to help them cope with having their needs met incompletely or inconsistently. These behaviors can be particularly disruptive and destructive to partners in adult relationships.
Due to the emotional turmoil of their earliest years, partners with a disorganized attachment style suffer from insecurity and find it difficult to trust. Though they crave love and want a relationship, there is a deep fear of rejection and abandonment. These conflicting emotions may set up a self-sabotaging cycle that leaves their partner reeling and unsure of how to help.
Disorganized Attachment Is More Common Than You Think
If you feel alone in dealing with a partner with disorganized attachment, you aren’t. A survey conducted by YouGov in 2023 revealed that 14% of respondents self-selected disorganized attachment as their primary attachment style in relationships. When presented with descriptions of the four attachment styles, 11% of men and 17% of women identified with disorganized attachment, the least common of the three insecure attachment styles. It’s more common than you think, and it’s fixable if your partner is willing to put the work in.
Work Towards a Brighter Future With PIVOT Coaching
PIVOT relationship coaches offer help for individuals, couples, and families. We’ll give you insight on how to deal with a disorganized attachment partner. Our evidence-based process promotes healing and provides a framework for transformative behavioral change. Reach out to begin the journey to a healthier, happier relationship. You can reach us at 1-855-452-0707.