Types of Attachment Styles in Relationships

I have a trustworthy support system that I use to help me get a different perspective.

If I can just fix it, it will all be ok.

When I am in a committed relationship, even when it is good, I still find myself needing attention (flirting, hooking up, checking on dating apps) from other people.

In relationships, it takes me a very long time to take things to the “next level,” like meeting friends and parents or moving in.

I have a tendency to focus on my partner’s flaws as justification for withdrawing from the relationship.

I don’t always feel like I should have to explain what’s wrong or why I’m upset.

I take accountability for my role during conflict without being self-righteous or a martyr.

I can wait to make decisions about important matters until I have all the facts.

I often choose to ignore my feelings rather than express them.

In a fight, I can think better if I leave the situation.

Partners, or even friends, have talked to me about labels like “bi-polar” and “borderline.”

I find myself loving and missing my partner when we are apart. When we are back together, I find myself engulfed and overwhelmed by the relationship.

I have had relationships with other people when a partner and I break up repeatedly and get back together.

It’s more important for me to be understood than it is for my partner to agree with me.

I am not comfortable - especially during conflict when no one is immediately problem solving it.

When I feel I am being rejected, I tend to cling to my partner. However after we make up, I don’t feel the need to be so close.

I am not OK with my partner being late, and I typically will have a conversation about respect to prevent this from happening again.

I appear more rigid or defensive when I am in need of emotional self protection.

In relationships, I have fears of being abandoned and also fear of being close/intimate.

I find myself in rocky and/or dramatic relationships with highs and lows (romantic, family, and friend relationships).

I’m afraid of being alone. Because of this, I have stayed in toxic relationships.

I often believe something is wrong with me, that I am flawed or broken.

I stay in bad situations too long because I’m waiting for the other person to change, make me happy, or end things.

I am a good listener and often respond with curiosity about their point of view.

When friends or family get angry with me, I get curious and tend to the relationship by seeking to understand them more.

When I make a decision, I often find myself in an “internal battle” and find it difficult to get into action.

If I have a terrible day at work and get home and my family has other conflicts going on, I can table my personal feelings and tend to the family, and discuss what happened to me later.

I need to know immediately what’s happening and get answers when there’s trouble in my relationship.

I create intensity in other things outside of my relationship (work, hobbies, friends, affairs, addictions) that create emotional distance in the relationship.

My need to feel better right away has caused me to make choices (like affairs, drinking, impulsive spending, etc.) that work against my values.

I respond with emotional intelligence rather than react impulsively.

I deeply want someone to love the “real me,” but I am hesitant to share my authentic, vulnerable self with others.

When I’m unhappy in a relationship, I will not break up with my partner; instead, I will do things to make them break up with me, like treat them poorly, or avoid them.

I often have fantasies and fears of being left that drive my thoughts and worries.

I have a hard time when other people set boundaries with me. I experience it as rejection and ruminate about what I did wrong.

Emotional connection is less important than other practical issues, like financial stability and consistency. Actions speak louder than words.

Partners have accused me of having a lack of feelings, or being cold when I am simply overwhelmed.

When my partner is sharing intense feelings, I find it difficult to sit and listen and at times go into fix it mode.

I frequently choose not to tell people what I’m thinking or feeling.

I’ve been told I have “commitment issues.”

My emotional responses can be unpredictable, ranging from overly emotional to unusually cold or distant.

I have chronic muscle tension mainly in my neck, shoulders, and back during relationship instability.

Are you told you lack empathy and then feel misunderstood?

I am able to change my mind when another person makes a good point.

I am able to receive feedback without counter-striking or shutting down.

My desire to be as close as possible has been described by others as being obsessive or compulsive.

When others open up too quickly with unrealistic expectations of me, I am careful of how much I share.

I often front-load a lot of information about myself and personal details early in a relationship, and I get vulnerable quickly.

I find myself obsessing about love through romantic fantasies about unavailable people.

I have found myself investigating my partner before - checking their phone, making sure they are where they said they were going, etc.

I usually feel confused about the “right” thing to do, so I end up doing nothing.

People have told me that I jump into relationships quickly and I don’t pay attention to red flags.

Sometimes I feel trapped in relationships, experiencing more pressure as the commitment grows.

I can’t sleep peacefully until I find out what I need to know.

I am comfortable giving people the space to solve their own problems.

If someone is late or a no-show to see me, my mind jumps to worst-case-scenario and I need to know what went wrong.

Sometimes I’ll find more things to do, instead of having an important conversation that could lead to conflict.

I am comfortable setting boundaries and I am comfortable respecting the boundaries of other people.

I use physical and sexual activities to feel a connection with my partner more than other forms of connection.

I can recognize when my people close to me are out of line and I can remain calm, allow them to have their experience - knowing I will have my voice when the time is right.