What Is Attachment: How Human Behavior Forms

“Attachment” is a term meant to describe the way that we connect with each other in the context of emotional safety and trust. When Attachment Theory was developed (Bowlby and Ainsworth), the concept was given that early in life, the way a child’s needs are met (or not) impacts the way that they will experience relational security throughout their lives.

If we think about it, attachment isn’t just an abstract emotional theory – it’s a survival need. Evolutionarily speaking, a helpless infant’s chances of survival go way up if it is securely attached to a primary caregiver. Likewise, an adult’s chances of survival go way up if they are able to attach and integrate securely into the tribe. We are hardwired to connect with others and to create interpersonal safety. .

Secure attachment looks like feeling acknowledged, understood and valued in a relationship. There is an ability to communicate with safety and the people involved help each other’s (and their own) emotional needs to be met.

Not all attachment looks emotionally secure, however. Based on considerations like what you experienced in childhood, relational trauma, grief and loss, or other factors, you may attach in a way that feels anxious, avoidant or ambivalent. These styles of attachment can affect the quality of your relationships and leave you and your partner feeling anything from obsessive to resistant to confused to stuck.  

Throughout our lives we interact with people and create attachments in our relationships. Sometimes we have different styles of attaching with different kinds of people. Each relationship domain may have different attachment energy based on how you show up with that person. For example, you may have anxious attachment  to your employer because, even though you have a comfortable relationship, there is a hunger to please them, a persistent worry that they may not approve of you, and pre-existing financial fears. You may have a bit of avoidant attachment with a family member that is hyper critical of your life choices. And in the middle of all of this, you may have secure attachment with your primary partner.

Attachment Quiz

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Take our Attachment Style Quiz!

• Understand how you show up and interact with others
• Gain more perspective on where you lean in the spectrum of attachment

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Please respond to the following statements, Yes or No:

I have had relationships with other people when a partner and I break up repeatedly and get back together.

Yes

No

I usually feel confused about the “right” thing to do, so I end up doing nothing.

Yes

No

Are you told you lack empathy and then feel misunderstood?

Yes

No

I take accountability for my role during conflict without being self-righteous or a martyr.

Yes

No

Please respond to the following statements, Yes or No:

I respond with emotional intelligence rather than react impulsively.

Yes

No

I am comfortable giving people the space to solve their own problems.

Yes

No

I don’t always feel like I should have to explain what’s wrong or why I’m upset.

Yes

No

I’ve been told I have “commitment issues.”

Yes

No

Please respond to the following statements, Yes or No:

If I have a terrible day at work and get home and my family has other conflicts going on, I can table my personal feelings and tend to the family, and discuss what happened to me later.

Yes

No

I often believe something is wrong with me, that I am flawed or broken.

Yes

No

When my partner is sharing intense feelings, I find it difficult to sit and listen and at times go into fix it mode.

Yes

No

I create intensity in other things outside of my relationship (work, hobbies, friends, affairs, addictions) that create emotional distance in the relationship.

Yes

No

Please respond to the following statements, Yes or No:

I am a good listener and often respond with curiosity about their point of view.

Yes

No

I have a tendency to focus on my partner’s flaws as justification for withdrawing from the relationship.

Yes

No

I am able to receive feedback without counter-striking or shutting down.

Yes

No

Emotional connection is less important than other practical issues, like financial stability and consistency. Actions speak louder than words.

Yes

No

Please respond to the following statements, Yes or No:

In relationships, I have fears of being abandoned and also fear of being close/intimate.

Yes

No

My desire to be as close as possible has been described by others as being obsessive or compulsive.

Yes

No

I’m afraid of being alone. Because of this, I have stayed in toxic relationships.

Yes

No

When I am in a committed relationship, even when it is good, I still find myself needing attention (flirting, hooking up, checking on dating apps) from other people.

Yes

No

Please respond to the following statements, Yes or No:

When I make a decision, I often find myself in an “internal battle” and find it difficult to get into action.

Yes

No

I find myself obsessing about love through romantic fantasies about unavailable people.

Yes

No

I often front-load a lot of information about myself and personal details early in a relationship, and I get vulnerable quickly.

Yes

No

Sometimes I’ll find more things to do, instead of having an important conversation that could lead to conflict.

Yes

No

Please respond to the following statements, Yes or No:

I often choose to ignore my feelings rather than express them.

Yes

No

I find myself loving and missing my partner when we are apart. When we are back together, I find myself engulfed and overwhelmed by the relationship.

Yes

No

I use physical and sexual activities to feel a connection with my partner more than other forms of connection.

Yes

No

I frequently choose not to tell people what I’m thinking or feeling.

Yes

No

Please respond to the following statements, Yes or No:

I need to know immediately what’s happening and get answers when there’s trouble in my relationship.

Yes

No

I can’t sleep peacefully until I find out what I need to know.

Yes

No

It’s more important for me to be understood than it is for my partner to agree with me.

Yes

No

I have found myself investigating my partner before - checking their phone, making sure they are where they said they were going, etc.

Yes

No

Please respond to the following statements, Yes or No:

In relationships, it takes me a very long time to take things to the “next level,” like meeting friends and parents or moving in.

Yes

No

I find myself in rocky and/or dramatic relationships with highs and lows (romantic, family, and friend relationships).

Yes

No

If someone is late or a no-show to see me, my mind jumps to worst-case-scenario and I need to know what went wrong.

Yes

No

I am not OK with my partner being late, and I typically will have a conversation about respect to prevent this from happening again.

Yes

No

Please respond to the following statements, Yes or No:

I can recognize when my people close to me are out of line and I can remain calm, allow them to have their experience - knowing I will have my voice when the time is right.

Yes

No

I deeply want someone to love the “real me,” but I am hesitant to share my authentic, vulnerable self with others.

Yes

No

When others open up too quickly with unrealistic expectations of me, I am careful of how much I share.

Yes

No

If I can just fix it, it will all be ok.

Yes

No

Please respond to the following statements, Yes or No:

I have a trustworthy support system that I use to help me get a different perspective.

Yes

No

I am comfortable setting boundaries and I am comfortable respecting the boundaries of other people.

Yes

No

My emotional responses can be unpredictable, ranging from overly emotional to unusually cold or distant.

Yes

No

In a fight, I can think better if I leave the situation.

Yes

No

Please respond to the following statements, Yes or No:

People have told me that I jump into relationships quickly and I don’t pay attention to red flags.

Yes

No

Partners have accused me of having a lack of feelings, or being cold when I am simply overwhelmed.

Yes

No

When I feel I am being rejected, I tend to cling to my partner. However after we make up, I don’t feel the need to be so close.

Yes

No

I stay in bad situations too long because I’m waiting for the other person to change, make me happy, or end things.

Yes

No

Please respond to the following statements, Yes or No:

I have chronic muscle tension mainly in my neck, shoulders, and back during relationship instability.

Yes

No

Partners, or even friends, have talked to me about labels like “bi-polar” and “borderline.”

Yes

No

I have a hard time when other people set boundaries with me. I experience it as rejection and ruminate about what I did wrong.

Yes

No

Sometimes I feel trapped in relationships, experiencing more pressure as the commitment grows.

Yes

No

Please respond to the following statements, Yes or No:

I appear more rigid or defensive when I am in need of emotional self protection.

Yes

No

My need to feel better right away has caused me to make choices (like affairs, drinking, impulsive spending, etc.) that work against my values.

Yes

No

I often have fantasies and fears of being left that drive my thoughts and worries.

Yes

No

I am able to change my mind when another person makes a good point.

Yes

No

Please respond to the following statements, Yes or No:

When I’m unhappy in a relationship, I will not break up with my partner; instead, I will do things to make them break up with me, like treat them poorly, or avoid them.

Yes

No

I am not comfortable - especially during conflict when no one is immediately problem solving it.

Yes

No

When friends or family get angry with me, I get curious and tend to the relationship by seeking to understand them more.

Yes

No

I can wait to make decisions about important matters until I have all the facts.

Yes

No

Quiz Complete! Your quiz results will be in your email shortly.

Back Next

When we understand the nuances of the four primary attachment styles, we can really get to the heart of our patterns and our relational behavior. We can begin to make sense of why we do the things we do, and where those relational traits come from. 

As we navigate through our day to day life, we form relationships at virtually every step of the way. Some of those interactions end up being close relationships that drive us to form deeper, more meaningful emotional connections. 

Some of these connections develop a closeness that makes us feel acknowledged, understood, and loved for who we are. In other words, we  form a close attachment. It is a fundamental aspect of human behavior that shapes the way we form connections and interact with others. 

However, not all styles of attaching are the same, although they do share a common denominator. Each significantly influences how we perceive ourselves and others, impacting our emotional well-being and the quality of our current and future relationships. 

For this reason, it is essential to familiarize ourselves with different attachment styles, including the secure attachment, the avoidant attachment, the ambivalent attachment, as well as the anxious attachment. All of these attachment styles provide us with a framework to better comprehend the complex nature of human behavior, especially in the romantic relationship domain.

What Do The 4 Attachment Styles Mean?

In the 1950s, psychologist John Bowlby developed the Attachment Theory, a prominent framework for understanding human behavior and the dynamics of interpersonal relationships through four adult attachment styles. His work revolutionized our understanding of how early childhood experiences with primary caregivers shape our attachment styles in relationships and subsequent behaviors in adulthood.

Four main adult relationships attachment styles in psychology, that are at the core of this framework are:

• Secure attachment style;
• Anxious attachment style (Preoccupied; in children: anxious-ambivalent);
• Avoidant attachment style (Dismissive; in children: anxious-avoidant);
• Disorganized attachment style (in children: Fearful-Avoidant).

Out of the four, the latter three are known as “insecure attachment styles”, due to the way they manifest.

By exploring these four styles, we can gain valuable insights into the patterns and dynamics that influence our interactions with others. Additionally, we can learn to nurture attachments that lead to enhanced emotional well-being and fulfilling connections.

At PIVOT, we look at these attachment styles through the lens of energy which we will speak to at the end of this article.  The reason for this is that individuals rarely connect using one style in everyday life.

Secure Attachment Style: The Foundation Of Trust And Security

This attachment style forms the bedrock of healthy relationships. Securely attached adults feel comfortable with physical and emotional intimacy, as well as independence, displaying a sense of trust, security, and emotional availability. They have confidence in their worthiness of love and exhibit effective communication skills and empathy.

Strengths:

• Strong sense of self-worth and confidence;
• Capable of forming healthy, fulfilling intimate relationships;
• Effective communication skills;
• Comfortable with both intimacy and autonomy.

Challenges:

• May struggle to empathize with individuals with insecure attachment styles;
• May have difficulty understanding the experiences of those with insecure attachment styles.

In intimate relationships, these individuals can provide support and comfort to their romantic partners, while also maintaining their own autonomy. They understand the importance of open communication, express their needs clearly, and readily seek and offer support when needed. Strong sense of self-worth and believing in the reliability of others, allows securely attached individuals to foster romantic relationships based on trust, mutual respect, and emotional connection through secure attachment behaviors.

Anxious (Preoccupied) Attachment Style: The Quest For Reassurance

Individuals with an anxious attachment style crave deep emotional connection and reassurance from their partners. However, they often experience heightened anxiety and fear regarding abandonment or rejection, which can lead them to display clingy behavior, as well as struggle with boundaries. If they possess this as one of the main attachment styles, individuals who fall into the anxious attachment style category often exhibit the following traits:

Strengths:

• Deep capacity for emotional connection and empathy;
• Strong desire for closeness and intimacy;
• Attuned to the emotional needs of others.

Challenges:

• Heightened anxiety and fear of rejection or abandonment;
• Tendency to seek constant reassurance and validation;
• Potential for emotional reactivity and clingy behavior.

In romantic relationships, these individuals tend to be more emotionally reactive (as opposed to proactive) and may be hypersensitive to perceived signs of rejection or neglect. They desire constant closeness and reassurance, frequently seeking validation from their partners to alleviate their anxieties.

Avoidant (Dismissive) Attachment Style: Independence Over Intimacy

Individuals fostering avoidant attachment value independence and self-reliance above deep emotional connection. Individuals with avoidant attachment styles often prioritize maintaining their own autonomy, which can drive them to downplay the importance of close relationships. Furthermore, they may struggle with vulnerability and emotional expression, which can manifest as a tendency to avoid intimacy.

Strengths:

• Emphasizes independence and self-reliance;
• Comfortable with personal space and autonomy;
• May excel in maintaining individuality within adult romantic relationships.

Challenges:

• Difficulty expressing emotions and vulnerabilities;
• May struggle with forming deep emotional connections;
• Tendency to avoid intimacy and emotional closeness.

In romantic relationships, avoidants may often seek to maintain control over their emotions, preferring self-sufficiency over-relying on others for support. This can make it difficult for them to empathize with their partner’s needs and feelings, which is why they often appear emotionally distant or detached.

Disorganized (Fearful-Avoidant) Attachment Style (at PIVOT, we call this Ambivalent): Torn Between Closeness And Independence

Individuals with this attachment style often struggle with ambivalent feelings, simultaneously desiring intimacy while fearing rejection and abandonment. At PIVOT, we call this Ambivalent. They may display erratic behaviors, fluctuating between moments of seeking connection and moments of pushing others away.

Strengths:

• Deep capacity for emotional depth and intensity;
• Strong desire for both closeness and independence;
• Reflective and introspective nature.

Challenges:

• Internal conflict and fear of rejection and engulfment, often accompanied by negative self image;
• Difficulty establishing and maintaining stable relationships;
• Struggle with vulnerability and may exhibit erratic behaviors.

In romantic relationships, those with a fearful-avoidant attachment style may experience a constant inner tug-of-war, vacillating between moments of seeking closeness and then retreating due to fear of emotional pain. These individuals may exhibit a fear of rejection or engulfment, leading to difficulties in establishing and maintaining stable, trusting adult relationships.

Is There A Best Attachment Style?

Due to it fostering trust, emotional availability, and effective communication (among other strengths), the secure attachment style is generally considered the most adaptive and desirable. However, it’s important to note that this doesn’t mean other styles are inherently bad or that individuals fostering them are doomed to fail in their close relationships.

As we’ve seen, attachment styles vary in their characteristics and tendencies, with each having its own strengths and challenges. Additionally, these behaviors develop based on early experiences and the environment in which individuals grew up.

What we can extrapolate from this is that attachment styles are still learned behaviors. Deeply ingrained ones, yes, but still learned, which means a person can learn to manage and, in some cases, instigate a complete attachment style change, swapping an insecure for a healthier, more secure attachment type.

In a lot of cases, doing so will require a lot of practice, most likely aided by a professional (personal coach or therapist). It is a daunting prospect but the rewards are more than worth the effort, as a person can cultivate more secure attachment patterns leading to them developing healthier, more fulfilling, and secure relationships.

We like to think of attachment as energy so clients can understand how they are attaching in “real time” meaning in the moment.  Someone might attach securely to their best friend whom they trust and anxiously to a co-worker whom they don’t trust.  Pivoting from one style to another can happen with healthy boundaries and self-esteem.

What Is The Unhealthiest Attachment Style?

The fourth attachment style (fearful-avoidant which we call Ambivalent) is commonly regarded as the unhealthiest, mainly due to its conflicting nature. As we said, individuals with this style are often in a state of internal struggle and emotional turmoil.

On the one hand, they experience a deep longing for emotional connection. On the other, there’s the fear of rejection or engulfment. This state of being “trapped between heaven and hell” can drive a person to oscillate between moments of seeking closeness and then withdrawing to protect themselves from potential emotional pain.

Needless to say, this inconsistency can make it incredibly complex and challenging for the ambivalent to establish and maintain stable, trusting relationships. However, it is once again important to recognize that this is a learned behavior.

Ambivalent attachment style often stems from earlier life experiences, such as inconsistent caregiving or traumatic events that have caused deep-seated fear and mistrust, both of which can be addressed with professional help, and quite successfully.

Can I Have All 4 Attachment Styles?

Yes. It is important to note that attachment styles are not fixed or static. They can change over time and be influenced by various factors such as personal growth, life experiences, and therapeutic interventions. And, as mentioned above, you can have varying styles based on the nature of the relationship or situation. 

What this implies is that individuals can transition from one dominant attachment style to another as they gain self-awareness and work towards developing more secure attachment styles, as a part of the human development process.

Improve Your Relationships By Making Your Attachment Style More Secure With PIVOT

You no longer have to struggle with insecurities in your relationships just because your attachment style dictates so. All you have to do is seek support from experienced professionals. With PIVOT’s help, you can turn it all around and you can do so in the complete safety of our serene Glass House retreat. Here, our expert personal coaches stand ready to guide you through the process of self-discovery, using tailored techniques and proven therapeutic approaches.

We’ll help you navigate the complexities of your attachment style and equip you with effective coping strategies, empowering you to cultivate more secure and satisfying relationships. Get in touch with us today and embrace the support and guidance that will lead you to a more fulfilled life.